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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My turn to piss you off!

So those of you who read my last post might remember that I was a little annoyed ... ok, a lot annoyed, with just about everything for no particular reason. I'd mentioned that in that state of mind, it was perfectly believable that a huge corporation would hire someone just to piss me off.

I got to thinking what I could do to fire back. Sure, two wrongs don't make a right... but aren't you supposed to fight fire with fire?? Turn about's fair play? or was I to be the bigger person? Hell, I've been a "bigger person" most of my life. It got me picked on in grade school, but it kept people away from me in High school. Now the world if virtual, and no one I deal with ever sees me anyway, so it doesn't do me much good.

Now, of course, I'm not going to do these things, cause most of them are illegal, and ALL of them are wrong, but I'd be willing to bet it'd get the goat of a few of those evil empire corporations who have whole departments dedicated to causing me inconvenience.

In my perfect retributive plan, I would have a whole army of like minded individuals. I'm sure it'd be called a mob, but really, it's my own corporation. Perhaps an LLC instead of INC, cause that's cheaper, I'm told...

We'd travel the world spray painting "ION" at the end of every "Victoria's Secret" sign.

We'd find a place to sample some of the following meats: Manatee, Spotted Owl, Bald Eagle, Humpback whale, elephant, and Narwhal. We'd use the ivory to fashion a beautiful chess set. And as I hate playing Chess, I'd then just throw it out.

We'd buy huge amounts of metals from China, make shitty items, cover it with lead paint and sell it back to them at a markup.

We'd run English as a second language schools for immigrant children, and teach them all the wrong words.

We'd secretly switch the coffee in all medium to large sized companies with decaf. When everyone had a raging headache, we'd hand out muscle relaxers, saying they were advil.

We'd feed alka-seltzer and cigarette butts to seagulls and pigeons.

We'd leave all the lights on, all the air conditioners on, all the heat cranked up to full and all the windows open. We'd leave the water running and the fridge open.

We'd change the toner in all the copy machines and printers, and just throw away the empty containers, instead of recycling.

We'd call all the ladies we came across "Babe" and "Chick".

We'd make up nicknames for all the guys we came across like "Sally".

We'd rent cars, and continue to turn the key even after the car is running, making that horrible sound.

We'd infiltrate grade schools, and tell the kid's there's no difference between the words "There" "They're" and "Their" and that they are interchangeable.

We would NOT leave the toilet seats up. We'd just put plastic wrap over the bowl, just underneath the seat.

I think that's a decent enough list for now. What would you do to get back at corporate america for going out of their way to piss you off??