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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I don't hate you, I just wish you inconvenience

I'm a pretty easy going guy. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt if I can. That guy with the high beams, perhaps his low bulbs burnt out... At the same time... Who knows, right? We've all be in a situation that looked bad but was just a horrible run of luck, or a series of unfortunate events.

I try not to hate, cause it's a very powerful feeling, and it's contageous. Not the kind of frame of mind I like to try to stay in. Of course there are things that I do hate... Migraines, bigots, disease, famine, chic peas... etc.

But a person has to really be reprehensable for me to actually hate them, and even then, I never wish them harm. I prefer to allow them to continue being the way they are to let them have ample enough time to make as many enemies as possible. I am not however, above wishing inconvenience on them.

To the list of people I find unsavory (which I've elected to keep private) I wish you the following:

  • I hope there's a line for the bathroom every time you need to use it.
  • I hope you realize too late that the toilet paper roll is empty.
  • I hope you get paper cuts between your fingers at least twice a month.
  • I hope you find out that your cream has spoiled after you pour it in your coffee at least once a week.
  • I hope you hit every red light available for the rest of your life. 
  • I hope all your important calls come in while you're in bad coverage areas.
  • I hope you develop a mild but annoying allergy to water.
  • I hope your hard drive crashes (completely dead) every couple of months.
  • I hope you get hangnails perpetually.
  • I hope you get a nose hair caught in your soda can pull tab so that when you finish taking a sip, the can yanks that sucker out.
  • I hope you break the tip off of every pencil you ever touch as soon as you put it to paper.
  • I hope you get uncontrollable flatulence at least once a month for a period of no less than twelve hours, and only on a weekday. No hiding at home with it on a Saturday or Sunday. You wanna hide at home, you take a sick day. 
  • I hope you run out of gas at least once a month. 
  • I hope you accidentally print the wrong email to a printer on the other side of the office, so you have to walk all the way over there only to find it's the wrong email.
  • I hope a skunk takes up residence under your front porch, or somewhere else equally as inconvenient. 
  • I hope you get splashed while sitting on the toilet, every single time you go number 2. (I freaking HATE that!)
  • I hope you get a big conspicuous booger every time you talk to someone you're even remotely interested in romantically.
  • I hope you accidentally send every email you write before it's complete, and have to send a "Woops, sorry, here's the rest of that message" email immediately following. 
  • I hope you realize your mug is dirty just after the last gulp of whatever it is you're drinking. 
  • I hope the floor in every public restroom you use is soaking wet. (What is that!? You hope it's water, but you don't know for sure! And you know you're going to get your pants wet if you pull them down!)
  • I hope you burp every time you kiss someone.
  • I hope the radio DJs talk over the beginning and end of every one of your favorite songs. (Wicked pet peeve of mine...)
  • I hope someone comes up with a ridiculous nick name for you that calls attention to one of your more sensitive flaws, and it sticks. 
  • I hope you walk by a news team while they're filming live and they catch you picking your nose and broadcast it on the evening news.
  • I hope your finger is over the lens in every picture you take. 
  • I hope you get pulled over every time you speed, every time you roll through a stop, and every time you turn with no directional. 
  • I hope your directionals always burn out and your speedometer reads ten miles slower than you're going. (Don't worry, I'm not going to wish your brakes didn't work, that'd be dangerous... You're just going to have to roll through the stop signs on your own.)
  • I hope the magnetic strip on the backs of all your credit cards get demagnetized within days of getting the card.
  • I hope you burn your tongue on your coffee or hot beverage of choice once a day.
  • I hope you lose the hair on your head, and it grows in on your hands.
  • I hope you walk around with your fly open all day and you're made aware of it by someone you're attracted to at least twice a week.
That's all I got for the time being, but I think it's enough to start with. Got your own wish of inconvenience? Feel free to post it up in a comment!